My Therapist Said I've Made Progress
I just finished my latest therapy session. My therapist said that I should be proud of all the progress I've made.
After a year of full time caregiving back in 2022, I swore I wouldn't spend another year in resentment, anger, and hatred — deciding I needed to seek therapy and medicine.
But I'm still here.
In a situation I don't want to be in.
Yet, I've made progress in adjusting to being here and finding ways to keep myself attuned to what I need. My basic needs.
I tell her it's probably my anxiety meds that have given my internal chemicals the crutch to stay positive — I still struggle with meeting my own needs: I have yet to drink water, I haven't even washed my face or brushed my teeth. I'm actually still in my pajamas.
I laugh at myself when I say this... Seriously? Even the MOST BASIC of things, I still can't manage — the first thing on my to do list is to call my dad's doctor. The next thing is to figure out what specialist my mom needs to see for her headaches.
I'm hungry. I ignore my stomach because other things need to happen first. I don't know where this hierarchy or order has come from within me — I'm not sure why I have to put my parents before myself without even thinking about it. It's as if it's a natural flow.
After we end out session, I sit for a bit to process my takeaways and decompress for the only hour I've had for myself so far (and probably the only time to myself today):
- I am a product of the upbringing I received. My parents were the authority when I was younger. They did the best they could with what they knew then (and also based on their upbringings)
- I'm a full grown ass adult, I am now my own authority. And I don't have to abide by their rules anymore. This household is solely surviving on my efforts alone.
- I have made some progress.
Maybe my basic needs [at this point in time] aren't to drink water (ehhh, yea right) or make my bed — maybe directing my energy into this dedicated space for my own accountability is my basic need.
Maybe finding humor in the despair is my basic need.
Or maybe feeling satisfied by my small daily wins is my basic need.
I don't know. I'm going to get myself some water now.
And wash my face. And brush my teeth.
And eat.